By Erin Corbalis
Do you ever just feel that “oh s*%#” feeling? But you can’t talk about it because nobody understands how helpless you can feel sometimes?
Nobody understands that I’m not seeking validation. I know I’m a good mom with a very active interest in keeping my kid safe. But no amount of good I do can change the fact that I’m not in control of this situation. I am, in fact, helpless. If something were to happen there’s a slim chance there is anything I could do to prevent it. So here I am alone with my worry, because I don’t want to hear, “It’s okay. You’re an amazing mother. You got this.”
Because I don’t.
If I really “had this,” she would be safe. She would be cured. I can’t treat her. I can’t so much as diagnose her. I am dependent on others to be the best for my baby. Yes, I stay on top of it. I stay overly cautious. When I’m worried, people say things to try to make me feel better. “It’s probably just a cold. Maybe she’s just having an off day.”
You have to let me overreact.
For parents like us you never know when spazzing out will save our child’s life. It’s every parents’ job to keep their child alive. But some of us are in charge of saving our children’s lives. That’s a heavy thing. People mean well but honestly…you can’t validate my feelings as a mother. I’m not worried about my parenting abilities. I’m not worried about the love I have for my girl. You can only invalidate my fears about my child and it isolates me. The word “rarely” is of no comfort to me. I’ve been that 1 in 100,000 … or whatever the heck. That thing you read about that “happens to other people.” I do try to stay positive and not let the possibilities swallow me whole. I just wish sometimes I could share the fear. It’s a lot to carry. Am I alone in this?
I need Hydrocephalus Awareness because it’s something I CAN do. But it’s not just important for me. It’s most important for my baby and others like my baby. Every single one of them is important. I want to make a difference. I would love to hear other’s stories. You can share your story through the Hydrocephalus Association Share Your Story project and/or on my Facebook page, The Legendary Hydro Warriors.
There is so much to Hydrocephalus. Everybody’s story is a little or a lot different. The only way to learn more is to listen to the stories.